I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
