I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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