Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
