remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
