I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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