and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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