high people should be assigned attendants
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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