I wish I only lived at night.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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