tell your sister to shave her snatch
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
