I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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