I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
