i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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