i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
