just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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