My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
