420 ftw
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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