i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
