Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
