im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
