whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
