After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
