she was so not down for the gang bang
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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