You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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