You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
