apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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