doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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