Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
