im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
