there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
