I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
