my being single is dangerous.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize