i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize