There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
