God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
