Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
