found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
