11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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