$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
