Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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