I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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