Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
bring money and cleavage
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
