This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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