I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize