I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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