Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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