Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
