I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
