His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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