nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
