just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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