Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
