RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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