Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
