It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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